Death of a Prankster

Dying is sad, especially when you have to write your own obituary. And death is never tranquil, rarely so when you have achieved a faceless notoriety among the uncrowned lords of mumbo-jumbo (aka bhasad in Sanskrit). But SI chooses to die in serenity, for he never achieved what he set out for and he doesn’t deserve a dazzling farewell.

To confess the truth, Itch Me Tonite was derived from a similar initiative (called ‘Rough Paper’) by me and my friends during graduation days. It was meant to be a clean cut humor, with no abusive language, and intended to bemuse all. But unlike Rough Paper where everyone secretly wished their name appeared on the wall, pupils at Prabandhan Prodyogiki Sansthan got scared from day one. So much so, that I received threatening mails from Self Appointed Caretakers last year. After just a couple of mails from me, I was barred from all 07-09 YGroups.

Itch Me Tonite was never meant to be an entertainment weekly and it never did. I chose to be sporadic and circumstantial rather than routine and superficial. But the boredom had its toll and the enthusiasm died down with time. I returned in second year with this blog which got 26 followers and 2200+ views from just 5 posts. And this is where I achieved the only moment of satisfaction when people started discussing the autocratic and inefficient ways of Self Appointed Caretakers. Eventually, the freshers party was postponed after many refused to bend. The real reason to abruptly terminate the blog after this was that people suddenly got interested in knowing my identity. The face became more important than the words.

I never revealed myself because I repudiate fame. I like to maintain a low profile and would prefer to be a junior artist than a flop star. My only wish, however, is that my batch mates remember this uncanny prankster and the little fun we had pulling legs. And if you are reading this blog, you have made my wish come true.

Goodbye and have a great life.

Keep itching!!

Money-wise

Following is a letter sent by one of the sophomores to the baap of Caretakers. I have distorted the content but it is true in essence. Have a look.

To,

Raja Dhritrashtra Singh,

Baap of Self Appointed Caretakers,

Prabandhan Prodyogiki Sansthan,

Andher Nagari

Subject: Chor! Chor! Chor!

Dear Maharaj,

This is to inform you about one of the minor misdeeds committed by your yuvraajs. The issue dates back to January when I was on a 3 month holiday to Timbaland. I had earlier opted to buy a hood-wala sweat shirt (Rs X) being offered supposedly at landslide prices by the Caretakers and had appointed my friend Makkhi to collect it. But while I was away, a series of events happened. The said no hood-wala, take bina-hood-wala (Rs X-100). I said no no gimme hood-wala, they said we’re outta stock, I said no no, yes yes, no no… blah blah. Eventually I had to settle for a bina-hood-wala sweat shirt.

Now, when I went to the Caretakers to refund the remaining 100 bucks, they said “Unn…. aan… you see… we don’t have a bank account… so we keep all our money in office drawer. In the last term, one day our senior Caretaker langda bhaiya came to the office, plundered the drawer and took away all the money. So we cannot refund.”

Maharaj, would you care to throw some light on this issue now?

Regards,

Punnu

Maa ka Beta

Prabandhan Prodyogiki Sansthan

If this is the state of affairs with the Caretakers, don’t you think there may be many more Punnus mishandled by them. You’ll say, “Unn…. aan…. But we don’t know.” But I say “Yes, yes, yes”.

Guys, I know that most of us are least bothered by what’s going on in the Sansthan. But it’s time to at least start caring about your parents’ hard earned money. The Caretakers have once again flung into action to organize this year’s Bacchha party. Make sure that your Clan Reps keep account of every penny spent. Else, you may end up victimizing yourself, like this dude who was heard saying during the farewell a few months ago, “Oh man! I have paid 400 bucks for this bloody party. Being a teetotaller has never seemed to be a curse before. But tonight, I am doomed. Even if you take away 200 bucks as a senior’s share, I still have to recover my 200. By now, I have had 1.25 egg-less rolls and 150ml of ghatiya quality ka juice. That’s 12.5 + 9 = Rs21.50. Even if I tip 50 paisa to the Caretakers, I’m still at a loss of 178 bucks. Now I’m gonna dance my lungs out on the DJ till I recover my money and somebody please mark my proxy the next day. Moreover, why is langda bhaiya taking away those 5 gangajal bottles to his room? Are they students or burglars? Damn!!”

Last time, many of us dared to protest against the exorbitant estimates and collections. But they coaxed us promising a gala event. GALA…. saala, paise kya ped pe lagte hain? They fix the amount considering only 75% would pay. Why the hell should we pay for their inefficiencies in making everybody contribute. Especially when the remaining 25% end up consuming most of the fokat ka gangajal. So this time round, ask them to show proper accounts and distribute gangajal prudently. Let’s be Penny-wise and Pound super-wise.

@Caretakers: It may sound clichéd, but with great power comes great responsibilities. I have nothing personal against you. In fact, some of you are my dear friends. But the problem is, instead of changing the system, you’ve become a part of it. Instead of saying, “That’s the way it is” why don’t you say, “That’s the way it should not be. Let’s change it.”

Enough of gyaan this time.

Keep itching!!

Pervert-o-mania

Enter bacchalogs in prabandhan prodyogiki sansthan, and sophomores were already manifesting keen desires to make it unforgettable for them. The party seemed to be anticlimax at the onset with the bacchalogs appearing like the baaplogs, having grayed their hairs googling software codes. But the Caretakers made sure that everyone gets his/her share of entertainment. And the blast from the past started with the mellifluous lyrical enumeration of bacchalogs from their own lips perfectly coordinated by R-ahu, ASs1, Sur-Shar and the Grand-old-surd, to name a few.

This year, the exercise was not a dilapidation process and was done in a non-perfunctory manner, thanks to the arduous efforts of the Caretakers. Hence, I’d rename it as a true vyaktitva vikas karyakram. But the show spoilers were a bunch of pervert sophomores lead by B1-pull, R-ahu, Sip-who and Frus2, to name a few, tackling multiple babylogs single-handedly. Basically, perverts in prabandhan prodyogiki sansthan are of two types. One, those who have a perennial urge to interact with a girl but never got an opportunity. Two, those who have their own dames but live too far to satisfy all their needs and wants. These few-bad-men left their other bhailogs jilted who only kept waiting to make an appearance. Even the babalogs longing for the love of their baaps were almost left in a lurch lest Ass1 or Sallu should come to their rescue.

So much so for the past 5 somnambulating nights. I have a few credits and awards to give away at the extermination of vyaktitva vikas karyakram. You may suggest more if you find anybody befitting.

Dude of the week: Mr. Seedling (for genuine reasons) and Big Bhai (for obvious reasons)(his new homonym has a formidable task to live upto the name)

Best one liners: "Meri dash mein aag lagi…" and "Balwant Rai ke kutton..."

Biggest crowd puller: Hand(le) (your) ball(s)

Biggest crowd dragger: ASs1

Dud of the week: Inder-win (also qualifies as 'peon of the week')

Fiasco of the week: Football match (it was jinxed)

Sloppiest event of the week: Maarketing ki Maa ki... (@ Ole-kya: You owe me a mention for stealing this title)

Tantalizer of the week: Pap-her dance (please don't google the meaning of pap)

Behno ka bahiya: R-ahu

Special appearance: Jug 'the-conked-coolerwala', Pisscom and the Yo-public (read 'the ZDs')

Planners of the week: miN-esh, Shree-sthi and Hech-chaaR sophomores (100% planning, 0% execution)

Special thanks: Self Appointed Caretakers (for genuinely good organization)

Keep itching!!

Longing for the kiddos

With the enigma of summers still seizing our mind-share and heart-share, electives have come up with their own crap to escalate the pain in our posteriors. From the more popular MR, MS, IR, PM, SM, PDM, SBM, SCM, SCF, to the more absurd ADIS, ALTL, CSRCG, FSABV, ETSBM, BSSE, PPSA and blah blah blah, Prabandhan Prodyogiki Sansthan offers it all. Why not add BS, SOB, FO, GPL, KLPD too to the glory of our Janam Kundli (read CV). After all, the inadequacy of crap in your fate denotes experiential laggardness in your character. A bunch of blue eyed kids, lead by Mr. Seedling and Mr. Pride, with the noble aspiration of greater good for the masses, tried to re-assault the 73 times ravaged elective wish list. But when in Ramgarh, do as Thakur Sahab says and they had to come back disgruntled.

The phenomenal success of suite allotment done by Self Appointed Caretakers is already bearing fruits for the sophomores. Yesterday an angry looking young man was heard swearing for being allotted a bathroom. Also, they are planning to distribute free mattresses to those incoming bacchalogs who unfortunately could not get the suites. Arrangements are being made for their comfortable stay in hostel corridors or the lush green well-lit stadium. So much for the choices which were never available to the sophomores. Meanwhile, it must be noted that the almighty Caretakers have shown mercy on bacchalogs by disallowing physical torments this year. However, it will be made sure that some of them become good athletes running around. A tour to hell is also being organized. Also, sophomores have been directed not to good-mouth about the clubs & coms, let them know it firsthand.

Lastly, a word of praise for aKka and his daredevils who fought a long battle for their right of education in chosen field. Walking a twin edged sword, they held their flags high right till the end. Though they lost, it revealed yet another greatness of Prabandhan Prodyogiki Sansthan of teaching lessons the hard way. As Marketing-ki-Maa used to say, life is mostly difficult. We are not sure about the world, but it definitely is here.

Keep itching!!

Back to the Basics

After a much deserved break, the prabandhan prodyogiki sansthan is again bubbling with familiar but slightly frustrated countenances. The freshmen are now sophomores and are holding-their-horses for bacchalogs to join. After all, its time to vent out all the heat absorbed during the enriching season just passed by. And as our own rebel GuEvaRA says, the sophomores have returned much wiser and ready to dissipate their wisdom.

The so called ‘Summer Training’ seemed to be an overwhelming experience for all. It took no time to realize that its more about the ‘Summer’ than the latter part. The learning did come too, but in unexpectedly hard ways. One thing is for sure, either Mr. Kotler doesn’t know sales or his concepts of sales don’t apply in Indian context. Why the hell he didn’t mention in his so called Bible-for-Marketing that sales require riding on a bike or a rickshaw at 45 degC. And what on earth do the STP concepts mean? My reporting VP didn’t know a-b-c of it but was still dictating terms in the company.

Meanwhile, the Self Appointed Caretakers kept themselves busy during summer with what has now been proclaimed as ‘The Best Job In The Prabandhan Prodyogiki Sansthan’, if not the world. Creating Google docs, inviting preferences and allocating rooms, all in the most democratic and transparent fashion. And there’s much more to come with Perfunctory Dilapidation Process on the cards next week. The Yawning-On-Grass-Aasanas, the relaxing dis-orientation sessions, the out-un-bounds, the uncultured DJ night, all bring such sweet memories and the coming week will surely be a déjà-vu for the sophomores.

A word of caution to you all, as I heard a few kids talking: If you believe that they are not undercharging for food and you deserve a wholesome meal, don’t forget to carry your weapons and ammos to mess from next week. The Self Appointed Caretakers will obviously not to be held responsible for any blood bath inside the mess. Wondering about acquiring resources, earning profits while maintaining your pie of the market share this recession, Prabandhan Prodyogiki Sansthan leaves no stones unturned to tutor you through live cases. Not to mention our own potato farm which is again having good crop this season and the recently acquired dairy and paneer maker to tickle your taste buds once again.

Keep itching friends!!

Khujli is back

Friends, Romans, countrymen, the personalized FIP of prabandhan prodyogiki sansthan is back, with a new series of brain-tickling, bone-cracking, jaw-dropping, head-banging, feet-thumping, gun-jumping, mind-boggling, finger-pruning, ego-crashing, brow-raising (and any other two-word, multi-syllable, 'ing'-ending, non-vulgar, socially-acceptable adjectives) articles for your leisure. The articles may sometimes (actually mostly) have direct or indirect references to some of you, your dear ones or the establishments. So I request you to take them sportingly without any grudges. They are purely for fun and offences, if any, are unintended.

Read and have fun!!

Keep itching!!

Sensitized Imtian